Now is the Summer of my Contentment

I sometimes feel as if I don’t have enough angst in my life. Like I am not pissed off about more things that have to do with me and how I relate to the world. I am, for all intent and purposes, generally happy. I have bad days, we all do. But I can tell you that none of them are as bad as they used to be.

I really have developed this profound love for myself and all those around me. I don’t know if it’s the Buddhism or the lessons I learned from my uncle and the impact his death, or rather his life, had on me.

I just feel so beautiful and empowered. I feel that there are things that have not happened in my life yet and that is ok. Maybe those things were not for me. I also feel that there are good things in my future. Why? I don’t know. I guess this feeling of enlightenment came over me at 30.

I recall my 20’s clearly, what a miserable time that was! I don’t know if it was that way because I was living my life in the pattern of other people; or I was confused by the inner struggle I felt between what was me and what was good and accepted; or that I felt like I was not achieving enough. Or ultimately if the reason for my unhappiness was that I was on Long Island which is a place full of freaks… To this day I am not sure. But one thing I am sure of is that I was unhappy. With everything! I felt like a loser, I was fat, working a dead-end job and hanging out with people that were like me. I hated my life.

So here I am, 32, living in Brooklyn, still fat, working a similarly dead-end job ( it really is , I mean the only promotion available is Lawyer….) and still I hang out with people like me, but its different. I love myself and I am content with my life. I have a wonderful home and amazing family and friends that are priceless. I am so fortunate. And I do love my body and my face. It hasn’t really changed; I just love it more now then I did then. Ok I could get another job. But that I haven’t is not such a bummer to me anymore. Its just a fact of life…You know how it is…you take the good, you take the bad…you take them both and there you have…The Facts of Life….(I slay me…)

I guess the naked truth is that your twenties are truly just an extension of your teens. Only it’s much worse because there is more pressure to keep up with higher stakes. Your friends are getting theirs at their own pace and you at yours. But what people never tell you is that everyone’s happiness is not the same. What makes me content and what makes the rest of the people on that I know content is not that same. I had to learn that. But it took a long time to get that through my thick skull…

I don’t want to be Jane Q. Public with the minivan and the 2.5 children and the dog named spot. I don’t want a house in the burbs with phony neighbors and PTA meetings. I grew up in that shit so at one time that was what made sense to me. But looking back, wow! Am I glad I did not do that to myself? YES SIR….

That is not me. Not that its wrong, Its just not me. I am an artist, a dreamer, a child, a star, a diva and a lover of people. I am tumbleweed. I am a beam of gas. I am like a stream of mountain water, moving through rock and making my own path. I am beautiful and fluid, refreshing and life giving. Not in the conventional birthing way, but in an existential soul filling way. I give life through my words and my actions. I give life through my love and my support. When I weep it is with compassion and for the love of all humanity. I don’t think I am a wonder-being. These are just my sentiments.

About a week ago I was in Union Square. While there I saw a woman sitting on a bench reading a book. She was older, probably 50, silver and white hair cut short in a faux-hawk. A small cute pair of earrings, she had on jeans and a purple tank top with a pair or worn-out green chucks. She had a bag from whole foods next to her on the bench and a backpack between her feet. What made this woman stick out in my mind is the beautiful ornate tattoo she had on her left arm. It ran from her shoulder to her elbow and it was amazing looking. I must have stared for a good five minutes because she looked up slowly at me and smiled like I was a weirdo and then went back to her reading. And although I was blown off as a kook by this lady I realized that she was what I wanted to be. Well, not her per say, I don’t know who or what she is. But that is the older woman I want to be. Not a conventional granny type with yarn and mothballs. I want to be a tough old bird with tattoos and a faux-hawk. I want to eat healthy and read in the park. I want to be me without excuse or reservation. I want to be young at heart and in mind and spirit.

In that woman I saw a mature Tinkerbelle enjoying a moment of quiet. That’s what I aspire to be. I want my life to be filled with more experiences than things. I want to know more people than names of actors and tv shows. I guess that is where I differ from most. I love to drink in the diversity of the world we live in as opposed to living in sameness.

I guess this all reads rather disjointed and crazy, but that’s ok too. I am perfectly imperfect…

I really do love you all - in my own way….
J